Democratic response to Paul Ryan: He isn't stupid so he must be evil
LOS ANGELES, August 11, 2011 – Governor Mitt Romney shook up the presidential race by naming Wisconsin Congressman Paul Ryan as his running mate. While Mr. Ryan is tall, has good hair, and is inoffensive, this is not a safe choice.
Mr. Romney went bold choosing Paul Ryan.
Democrats waiting for Romney's V.P. choice, need to decide whether to declare the V.P. nominee as being either Conservative and "stupid" or Conservative and "evil," since that is how they categorize every conservative.
They prefer the stupid category, and are lamenting this lost opportunity. Mr. Ryan is a budgetary wizard who is exceptionally bright and articulate. No one can call him stupid. Not even the Obama administration.
This has forced the Democrats to begin the scorched Earth attacks on his motives and humanity rather than his intelligence.
Paul Ryan must be evil.
So for those who get their information from The Jason Blair (New York) Times, Fareed Zakaria, The Huffington Post, and the Daily Kos, let's just get the boring and predictable attacks out of the way.
Paul Ryan murders puppies and kittens. The lifelong Green Bay Packers fan then uses the dead animal carcasses for field goal practice. Harry Reid has an anonymous source named Fareed Zakaria who stole from somebody a column proving that Paul Ryan then sold the dead animal skins and never declared the income on his taxes for the past ten years.
Jennifer Granholm at Current TV pointed out that we have not seen Mr. Ryan's papers. This man is so lily-white even by Wisconsin standards that he has to be Canadian Dems will want you to believe. And the last time a Canadian was given an American executive job in government, the state of Michigan was plunged into chaos.
MSNBC's Al Sharpton and Rachel Maddow will expalin that Mr. Ryan is a racist, sexist, bigoted homophobe: He is politically conservative, exists, and breathes air. Mr. Ryan, a happily married husband and father, has a habit of not frequenting gay bars.
This proves his hostility toward homosexuals.
President Obama offered to do six presidential debates with Mitt Romney instead of three if he would be willing to cancel the vice presidential debate between Paul Ryan and Joe Biden. Vice President Biden insisted that he could declare victory in that debate by merely beating the point spread rather than winning outright.
This is also the Obama method of governing, where limboing under the bar is now considered success.
Angry and terrified Democratic strategists (redundant) denounced the pick as a desperate attempt by Governor Romney to make the 2012 campaign about issues. The strategists, who asked to remain anonymous out of shame of being Democratic strategists, vowed not to let substance interfere with the Obama campaign strategy.
The GOP wars on women, blacks, gays, and every other group of grievance-mongers will advance. Supply-side economic policies that could lift all of these people out of poverty and into a better life will be derided as "failed policies of the past."
The fact that they always worked will be glossed over.
President Obama is on the attack. "We cannot go back to the failed policies of the past. We need to stick to the failed policies of the last three years. Paul Ryan was in Congress when I was President. He failed to stop my agenda, which means he supported it. If he truly opposed me he could have just made unilateral decisions like I have."
Obama will vow to unite people under a successful convention highlighted by Elizabeth "Fauxcahantas" Warren and Jimmy Carter.
Obama Spokeswoman Stephanie Cutter offers clarification, saying that Mr. Obama is simply implying that Paul Ryan is a bloodthirsty cannibal. Campaign manager Jim Messina insists that Mr. Obama's next Hollywood fundraiser with George Clooney and Barbra Streisand will prove that the private sector economy is doing just fine as Mr. Obama claims.
They are the heart and soul of America, and a median income of twenty million dollars per year is better than the failed George W. Bush record of 19.5 million per annum.
The New York Times and Fareed Zakaria issued a joint press conference claiming that Mr. Ryan is a financially and morally bankrupt individual. After all, the New York Times understands financial bankruptcy from miserable decisions more than anybody, and Mr. Zakaria proudly represents the moral fiber of CNN.
President Obama remained curled in a fetal position, as Valerie Jarrett and David Axelrod promised to send out an army of attackers to make everything alright. The words "radical," "extremist," "draconian," and "mean-spirited" would be used in every sentence.
When needed, it will be pointed out that Paul Ryan has never been in the same room at the same time as Anthony Hopkins, proving that Ryan is Hannibal Lecter.
An anonymous Obama spokesperson resembling Hillary Clinton will claim that the Obama campaign wants the election to be about issues. The fact that Mitt Romney chose a running mate who murders puppies and kittens and drinks their blood makes this impossible.
The Obama campaign concludes by saying that whether or not they built their slander attack small business operation would be determined by how well polls and focus group voters respond to it.
If there is a backlash, then the entire strategy of demonizing Paul Ryan will be George W. Bush's fault.