Bald Eagle Tired Of Everyone Just Assuming It Supports War February 1, 2010

The symbol of American might called the 2003 invasion of Iraq "ill-advised at best, illegal at worst."

THE OREGON WILDERNESS—Frustrated by the widely held assumption that he unequivocally endorses the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq, a bald eagle said Monday that his thoughts on the conflicts were far more nuanced than many Americans might expect.
Speaking to reporters from his nest in the upper branches of a 175-foot ponderosa pine tree, the eagle explained that each member of his species was different and none should be taken for granted as a lockstep supporter of American military policy.
"I think World War II was justified, and I got behind the first Gulf War [in 1990]," said the bird, who has served as the national symbol of the United States since 1782. "But the recent war in Iraq, with its shifting rationale and poor planning, was clearly a huge mistake. Personally, I believe that these crucial, life-and-death matters deserve more honest and less politicized discussion than they get."
"I'm not a hawk or a dove," he added. "I'm an eagle."
The majestic bird of prey, who said he is not registered with any political party, admitted to having some ambivalence about the current mission in Afghanistan, lamenting that any argument one could make seemed to prompt an equally valid counterpoint.

Enlarge Image The eagle said he would like to visit Iraq someday, but is worried it might cause impromptu firefights.

"Sure, I understand the reasoning behind the latest troop surge," the eagle said regarding President Obama's plan to commit 30,000 additional soldiers to the region to combat the Taliban. "Can we allow that country to collapse and become an al-Qaeda safe haven again? That seems like a disastrous outcome to me, but at the same time, maybe our continued presence is just creating more terrorists in the long run. Plus, how can we work with someone as corrupt as [Afghan president] Hamid Karzai and still purport to be champions of democracy?"
"You see, these issues are not so cut and dried," continued the Haliaeetus leucocephalus specimen. "And yet, every time I try to explain myself from atop a flag pole or the middle of a baseball field, no one wants to listen. They just cheer and chant 'U.S.A.! U.S.A! U.S.A.!'"
Sources said the eagle then excused himself and launched into the air with a shrill "skree!" sound, returning three minutes later with a glistening fish in his talons.
"And another thing: We can't forget Pakistan," the eagle said as he used his hooked beak to tear at the flesh of the writhing rainbow trout. "We have to make sure that they're not so preoccupied with India that they neglect the terrorist threats within their own borders. Remember, Pakistan has nukes."
The eagle went on to tell reporters that, despite his attempts to individuate himself from the general public's perceptions of bald eagles, he could ultimately control his image only so much. He also admitted that he still had lingering resentment over the fact that someone had covertly photographed him crying on 9/11 and used the picture on a "Never Forget" dinner plate.
"I really hated being exploited like that," the eagle said. "Of course I cried on 9/11. Everyone did. But I guess that's the burden of being the symbol of a nation: People are going to use you in ways you don't always like. You step out of the nest to clear your head with a few minutes of soaring, and people automatically peg you as some kind of embodiment of American freedom worth killing and dying for."
"And, frankly, that's a little messed up," he added. "I'm just a bird."

Terror Experts Warn Next 9/11 Could Fall On Different Date

Michael Chertoff cautions citizens to accept the possibility of a 5/24.

WASHINGTON—In an alarming development with wide-reaching implications for America's safety, Department of Homeland Security head Michael Chertoff and CIA Director Michael Hayden issued a joint report Monday warning that the next 9/11 could in fact occur on a different date.
The report, based on intelligence gathered by field-agents, found that a future 9/11 might take place on an entirely new month and day, including 4/24, 6/13, or even 10/12. According to the report, the nation could realistically find itself in the midst of a 5/25 scenario, as well as a potential 3/14 situation in the months to come.
8/28, 6/19, and 11/7 were also cited as possible 9/11s.

Enlarge Image A poster from the new DHS public-awareness campaign.

"While 9/11 has historically always fallen on 9/11, we as Americans need to be prepared for a wide range of dates," Chertoff said during a White House press conference. "There's a chance we could all find ourselves living in a post-6/10 world as early as next July. Unless, that is, we're already living in a pre-2/14 world."
"1/1, 1/2, 1/3, 1/4, 1/5," Chertoff continued for nearly 45 minutes, "12/28, 12/29, 12/30, 12/31—these are all plausible and serious threats."
An addendum to the report that includes leap years will be released by the end of March.
Though the DHS has identified more than 7,000 sensitive dates spanning the next 20 years, it did manage to rule out 4/15/04 and 10/38 as future 9/11s. The government report also confirmed that the next 9/11 would more than likely not involve an assault on the World Trade Center's North and South towers as it has in previous attacks.
Furthermore, the 350-page document rejected long-held beliefs that the next 9/11 would commence at 8:46 a.m. on a sunny Tuesday morning. In fact, it warns that a future attack could occur on a cloudy, snowy, or even brisk day, at 8:53 a.m., 10:42 p.m., or any one of the other 1,440 known times.
"We are dealing with agents of terror who are willing to carry out another 9/11 on—if you can imagine it—6/8," Hayden told reporters. "Indeed a day may come when we as a nation have to live in fear of another 6/8, recount where we were when 6/8 happened, and swear never to forget the events of 6/8."
"At some point we might even have to come to terms with the harsh lessons of 6/8," Hayden continued.
Hayden assured citizens, however, that no matter what date the imminent attacks fall on, he has every reason to believe that the next 9/11 will be carried out by militants, radicals, zealots, or extremists, who will stop at nothing, next to nothing, or very little to destroy America.
Hayden also said he was certain that at least one of the world's 6.7 billion human beings will plot the future 5/24 or 3/17 attacks, and that it will most likely target either the nation's subways, seaports, landmarks, stadiums, buildings, structures, or other indoor or outdoor areas where large groups of people tend to gather.
"Instead of calling major terrorist attacks on their soil 'our 9-11,' other nations may soon refer to their own national disasters as 'our 11/28,'" Chertoff said. "Which, incidentally, is also my birthday, though I admit that is neither here nor there."
At the conclusion of the press conference, Chertoff urged Americans not be alarmed by the recent news, and to continue living their lives as they have for the last seven years—with the crippling fear that at any moment they, or someone they love, could die in a fiery inferno.