Best White House Petitions

By Neda Semnani Posted at 5:39 p.m. on Nov. 13

The White House “We the People” page has gotten a lot of attention for a spate of secession petitions, wherein a majority of the United States of America has demanded to be left alone and be just a group of states America used to know.

Of all the states petitioning for independence, a big congratulation goes to Texas as the only one that has gotten well more than the necessary 25,000 online signatures to actually have its petition considered by the White House. The petition boasted more than 80,071 signatures, as of Tuesday at 4:20 EST (heh).

The secession petitions have given rise to others, transforming the “We the People” page from a place where citizens can lobby their president and a site where a dying 8-year-old girl could at least try to get the president to come see her into something more akin to Mad magazine.

Stay classy, America. Here are your best petitions yet:

WE PETITION THE OBAMA ADMINISTRATION TO:

Make Duncan Trussell the Emperor Of Planet Earth

“We petition the Obama administration to construct an iron throne made of meteorites and incinerated pope penises upon which the new emperor of planet earth Duncan Trussell can reign supreme.

“Attached to the throne should be a surgical straw connected to an endless quantity of fresh fetal stem cells upon which our Lord may suckle as the people of the world petition him for mercy or offer him their children and livestock.”

Peacefully grant the city of Austin to withdraw from the state of Texas and remain part of the United States

“Austin Texas continues to suffer difficulties stemming from the lack of civil, religious, and political freedoms imposed upon the city by less liberally minded Texans. It is entirely feasible for Austin to operate as its own state, within the United States, in the event that Texas is successful in the current bid to secede. It is important for Austin to remain in the union as to do so would protect it’s citizens’ standard of living and re-secure their rights and liberties in accordance with the original ideas and beliefs of our founding fathers.

“We would also like to annex Dublin Texas, Lockhart Texas, & Shiner Texas.”

Peacefully Grant the State of Herp-a-Derp to Withdraw from the United States of America and create its own NEW Government

“As the founding fathers of the United States of America made clear in the Declaration of Independence in 1776:

“‘When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one neighbor to secretly let his dog crap on the lawn of another, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.’

“Therefore, herp-a-derp-derp, but please keep sending my Social Security check. I earned that, yo.”

Deport Everyone Who Signed a Petition to Withdraw Their State From the United States Of America

“Deport Everyone That Signed A Petition To Withdraw Their State From The United States Of America.”