VANITIES
The Impossible Interview: Kim Jong-Un Speaks With Anthony Bourdain
BOURDAIN: So, you were ordered to get fat so you’d look more like your grandfather? I would fucking love to have that be my job.
KIM: Today, Tony, as my honored guest in Pyongyang, you share my job!
BOURDAIN (raising glass of soju): Death to the imperialist fast-food ConAgra obesity-promoting plastic-cheese-eating capitalist American pigs!
KIM: May they wail like knobby-kneed primary-school girls in scanty uniforms as our People’s Army unleashes upon them an epic sea of hellfire with the heat of a thousand suns!
BOURDAIN: So, what’re we eatin’? What kinda wild northern shit are you layin’ on me that the Seoul crew don’t do? My sous-chef’s dope dealer once took me to some freaky D.P.R.K.-themed pop-up place in Oakland with the most fucked-up ham heung naeng myun and—
KIM: Veal parm. We are having veal parm, chicken cacciatore, and spumoni.
BOURDAIN: Wh-why?
KIM: The best film of all time is the sixth Rocky film, Rocky Balboa—the one where Rocky is old and Adrian is dead. I fell in love with the Rocky films at boarding school in Switzerland. And in Rocky Balboa, he has restaurant in South Philly named after Adrian. I love going to that restaurant.
BOURDAIN: But that’s—that’s a fictitious restaurant, K.J.-U.
KIM: No. I built precise replica here in my residence. I go there all the time. I have 60 girl chefs working in kitchen; all weigh precisely between 44 and 52 kilograms. Chef uniform is brassiere, half-slip, and—how do you say it?—majorette boots.
BOURDAIN: That is fucking awesome, K.J.-U. Up high! (Makes high-five gesture to Kim.)
KIM (reciprocating): Yo, Adrian!
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