THE REPUBLICAN GARDEN OF EDEN
Posted by Ron Hauge

October 10, 2012

In the beginning the LORD created the Heavens and the Earth, featuring a handful of small but helpful lands offshore. On the sixth day He built Adam by Himself, requiring not any government assistance.

Adam, like the Etch A Sketch, was fashioned from dust and one American’s good idea.

On the Estate of Eden no taxes abounded, and in this environment Adam was fruitful. As those at the top prospered in Paradise, so prospered all in Paradise.

The LORD created the animals and bade Adam to name them. Dressage Animals became known as “horses.” Domesticated Animals for Open-air Transport and other Domesticated Animals That Someone (Unknown) Let Out were called “dogs.” Another large animal was named either “moose” or “elk.” Probably “elk.”

Adam set out to build his own business by himself, beseeching the LORD to provide only paths over land and water. Adam’s understanding of this covenant was that these gifts were not to be tallied against his own achievement later.

Adam created Eve and then created a job for her by making her his first legal wife. They were naked and unashamed, especially the latter. Of these, it turns out, one is much, much better for business.

Woman was made vice-president of Man’s corporation and for her an office was constructed with a ceiling made of glass.

Forbidden were the apples on the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, but Eve was tempted by a free business model and she did breach her contract with the LORD. Adam did not contest that he, too, had unknowingly sampled from the tree, and for the first time Man and Woman felt shame for their private sectors. Eve did quickly appeal to have her transparent ceiling removed, but this appeal was not heard by the LORD, and Man was not overly supportive of Woman in this plea.

When the Estate of Eden did fail and both principal officers were forced to relocate out of country, Adam did fault his SUPPLIER, excessive regulations and “the woman’s agenda.”

As happened often in distant times, the woman most highly placed in the corporation was set up to receive the harshest judgment.

Eve did blame the Serpent and his persuasive, liberal take on what belongs to the people and what belongs to “The Man.” The LORD cursed the liberals above all others and condemned the ninety-nine per cent to be the enemy of the human race.

Adam was condemned to appreciate the work requirement in welfare. Eve was condemned to a lifetime of painful childbirth with no exception for the health of the mother.

The LORD’s pledge that Man and Woman would live forever under Messiahcare was quickly broken, surprising Adam not.

When Adam did retire from Eden he taketh with him a package of 38.4 million apples. Eden was then bankrupted of its fruit and many moose or elk were said to perish or relocate to other Paradises.

Adam sought to prove his dominance over Eve in the new land and “take back Eden” but found it difficult to gain a clear majority in any of his early contests against her. Never was he able to produce a witnessed birth certificate, being the only candidate ever born in the time before witnesses. Also not helping were his positions for and then against Messiahcare and Eve’s threat to produce the pre-leaf sketches she’d always secretly held onto.

The local vote was always split 1-1, counting not the disputed 2-0 landslide for Adam’s party in ’04. That year Eve was heavy with Seth, so Adam’s firm oversaw the counting. Adam’s term was served in virtual silence. In later years Man and Woman agreed on little during their many, many private “debates,” except the need for more and larger stones along the border fence that did separate them.

Eve multiplied many times. Her descendants in later years would include Ronald Reagan and country-music legend Garth Brooks.

Cain and his brother Abel did follow their father Adam into the money-changing business. In time Cain did prove to be the more outgoing and effective businessman.

Adam and Eve’s children did marry unto one another, complicating the estate-tax laws enough to render them unenforceable for millennia while their fates did linger in the courts.

Countless scrolls were recorded about Adam’s years in business but only this scroll has been witnessed by other men. Thus Adam did give his assurance to all that he looks “golden” in the unseen scrolls, adding that he did not plan to release more of them “any time soon.”

All of Cain’s descendants were wiped out in the Great Deluge after they did fail to get in on the I.P.O. for Noah’s ark venture.

Adam lived nine hundred and thirty years, suffering not in that time the indignity of receiving public assistance after many years of paying in.

Illustration by Exem Story.