Sunday, September 30, 2012

So, today I got the chance to think about what Dan Calabrese had to say about what Dick Morris had to say about what Bay Buchanan had to say about what all of the Republicans have been saying about how Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan are actually WINNING because the polls are being skewed by a liberal media who is in the tank for Barack Obama.
And when I thought about it, I realized... THEY ARE ALL RIGHT!
These press people are putting THEIR AGENDA ahead of the truth and I'm SICK OF IT.
That's why I've spent the last 96 hours running the numbers on the polls and I've come up with a map that more realistically details what's ACTUALLY going on.
And that map looks like this...
This map takes into account that Democrats are VASTLY under-counted in states starting with the letter M and S and Q, while also adjusting for the fact that, in the middle of October, mutant zombies are likely to eat all the white males and gay men posing at evangelical Christians in the states of Idaho, Utah, Georgia and Alabama.
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This map also adjusts for the known fact that people trying to vote Romney/Ryan in Montana, North Dakota and South Dakota will instead have their votes cast for random members of the super cool 80's band Asia.
Now, we also know that Republicans in Arizona, Indiana and South Carolina will be put under a spell that will cause them to see the letters "B-A-R-A-C-K O-B-A-M-A" as "R-O-N-A-L-D R-E-A-G-A-N", while fiscal conservatives in Kentucky and Kansas will not be willing to add to their children's debt by spending money on gas for the car... and therefore... they will not vote.
Florida will be loaned to Eastern Europe and renamed Czechoslovakia.
It's also pretty clear that non-Democrats in West Virginia will get a vicious case of the runs from food poisoning and people in the state of Tennessee will finally realize that the Scopes Monkey Trial did not go the way of "Adam and Eve."
Admittedly, Texas and Alaska are beyond fucked... so I give them to Republicans.
Regardless I will not have this election dictated to by polls... or maps... or fact checkers... or people who insist that I wear shoes and a shirt to get service.
Enough is enough! The truth WILL... MUST... HAS TO... win out!
Now... cue the Super Skewed Polls Soundtrack!

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