Shouts & Murmurs: The Thumb-Drive Supremacy
The heart of this book is the chapter titled “Olympic Games,” which Mr. Sanger writes is the code name for a joint program of Israel and the United States to insert malicious software into the machinery of the Iranian military-industrial complex and so set back Iran’s ability to manufacture weapons-grade uranium…. The key to getting inside the computers—which were not connected to the Internet—was to load the virus into thumb drives that Iranian nuclear technicians, perhaps unknowingly, would bring to work and plug into the computer systems there. —The TimesAn Iranian nuclear physicist and engineer sit at their computers.
PHYSICIST: Does your computer keep freezing up?
ENGINEER: Nope.
PHYSICIST: Every ten seconds or so, mine just, I don’t know, stops. It’s not unusable, but it’s really slowing me down.
ENGINEER: You’ve got a million things running in the background; close all those icons in the lower-right-hand corner. And take off your screensaver, which probably shouldn’t be 3-D text reading, “Don’t Touch—Top-Secret Weapons-Grade Uranium Program.”
PHYSICIST: O.K. No, still freezing. Ugh.
ENGINEER: Try rebooting… Control-alt-delete.
PHYSICIST: I’ve got a Ph.D. in theoretical quantum physics—I think I know how to reboot.
ENGINEER: You were hunting around the keyboard.
PHYSICIST: I’m used to Macs. Which don’t get viruses, by the way.
ENGINEER: Ooh, check out Mr. “I’m a Mac” over here.
PHYSICIST: This is ridiculous: Ahmadinejad wants this done by five-thirty, I’ve got plans to get coffee at six with a bunch of rocket scientists, and it’s like I’m using a computer from 1992.
ENGINEER: Windows 3.1.
PHYSICIST: Exactly. Remember when Minesweeper came out?
ENGINEER: Allah, I got, like, nothing done that year. By the way, real rocket scientists, or was that sarcasm?
PHYSICIST: Real ones, from Mashhad. I met them out the other night, while drinking coffee. We’re talking about synergizing.
ENGINEER: You should put in a ticket for I.T.
PHYSICIST: Yeah, because they always come right away and fix everything. And that, my friend, is sarcasm.
ENGINEER: Call tech support?
PHYSICIST: So I can spend thirty minutes on the phone with a guy somewhere in America who has no idea what I’m saying?
ENGINEER: Who’ll pretend his name is Youssef, and I’m like, Um, I can hear your Wisconsin accent.
PHYSICIST: Maybe I should just bring it into the shop.
ENGINEER: Don’t. Because of the … you know.
PHYSICIST: The top-secret weapons-grade uranium program?
ENGINEER: Yeah.
PHYSICIST: Good point. O.K., it’s rebooted, and—hey, it’s working!
ENGINEER: Really?
PHYSICIST: Wait … freezing again. Allah, this is frustrating. I’m about ready to launch an intercontinental ballistic missile in here.
ENGINEER: Cool thumb drive. Where’d you get it?
PHYSICIST: From these nice guys with foot-long beards and sunglasses and full-body robes, Chad Amirzadeh and Scott Zarindoost, who said they were from somewhere called Iran City. It was at this event they were throwing in the parking lot when you were out last week—“Free Thumb Drives with Awesome Death-to-the-West Propaganda on Them That Speeds Up Your Computer Expo.”
ENGINEER: Can I check it out on mine?
PHYSICIST: Be my guest. Hey, you know who won the Sepahan-Esteghlal
football match?
ENGINEER: No clue.
PHYSICIST: I really wish we had Internet here.
ENGINEER: I know. Want to knock off early and get some coffee?
PHYSICIST: Why not—it’s five o’clock somewhere.
Photograph: Ocean/Corbis.
ENGINEER: Try rebooting… Control-alt-delete.
PHYSICIST: I’ve got a Ph.D. in theoretical quantum physics—I think I know how to reboot.
ENGINEER: You were hunting around the keyboard.
PHYSICIST: I’m used to Macs. Which don’t get viruses, by the way.
ENGINEER: Ooh, check out Mr. “I’m a Mac” over here.
PHYSICIST: This is ridiculous: Ahmadinejad wants this done by five-thirty, I’ve got plans to get coffee at six with a bunch of rocket scientists, and it’s like I’m using a computer from 1992.
ENGINEER: Windows 3.1.
PHYSICIST: Exactly. Remember when Minesweeper came out?
ENGINEER: Allah, I got, like, nothing done that year. By the way, real rocket scientists, or was that sarcasm?
PHYSICIST: Real ones, from Mashhad. I met them out the other night, while drinking coffee. We’re talking about synergizing.
ENGINEER: You should put in a ticket for I.T.
PHYSICIST: Yeah, because they always come right away and fix everything. And that, my friend, is sarcasm.
ENGINEER: Call tech support?
PHYSICIST: So I can spend thirty minutes on the phone with a guy somewhere in America who has no idea what I’m saying?
ENGINEER: Who’ll pretend his name is Youssef, and I’m like, Um, I can hear your Wisconsin accent.
PHYSICIST: Maybe I should just bring it into the shop.
ENGINEER: Don’t. Because of the … you know.
PHYSICIST: The top-secret weapons-grade uranium program?
ENGINEER: Yeah.
PHYSICIST: Good point. O.K., it’s rebooted, and—hey, it’s working!
ENGINEER: Really?
PHYSICIST: Wait … freezing again. Allah, this is frustrating. I’m about ready to launch an intercontinental ballistic missile in here.
ENGINEER: Cool thumb drive. Where’d you get it?
PHYSICIST: From these nice guys with foot-long beards and sunglasses and full-body robes, Chad Amirzadeh and Scott Zarindoost, who said they were from somewhere called Iran City. It was at this event they were throwing in the parking lot when you were out last week—“Free Thumb Drives with Awesome Death-to-the-West Propaganda on Them That Speeds Up Your Computer Expo.”
ENGINEER: Can I check it out on mine?
PHYSICIST: Be my guest. Hey, you know who won the Sepahan-Esteghlal
football match?
ENGINEER: No clue.
PHYSICIST: I really wish we had Internet here.
ENGINEER: I know. Want to knock off early and get some coffee?
PHYSICIST: Why not—it’s five o’clock somewhere.
Photograph: Ocean/Corbis.
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