Transgender at five: Tyler’s story leads to outpouring of other stories
By Petula Dvorak,
I heard from transgendered senior citizens who lamented their decades living a lie.
I got e-mails from confused parents who had their aha moment when they read Tyler’s story.
And
sure, I heard from the haters. The Internet troll employment benefits
package apparently doesn’t offer vacation days, so they’re always there.
When I met Tyler
seven months ago, he was 4 and had just switched from being known as a
girl to being known as a boy. On Sunday, I wrote about the difficult
journey that Tyler’s parents, Jean and Stephen, have been on since their
child was 2 and began insisting she was a boy. (To protect their
identity, The Washington Post used the family member’s middle names and
referred to the now-5-year-old as Tyler, the name his parents say they
would have given him if he had been born a boy. We also opted not to
publish details about where they live and go to church and school.)
Jean
and Stephen read and did research. They went to doctors, counselors,
their pastor and support groups before they could accept that their
child was transgender. A psychologist diagnosed gender identity disorder
and offered a prescription: Allow the child to live as a boy.
No
one knows how many American children suffer from gender identity issues
because they so often go unacknowledged by parents and pediatricians.
Scientists and doctors offered guesses that ranged from one in 1,000 to
one in 10,000. But given the hundreds of online comments and e-mails I
received, I wonder whether it isn’t more common than we know.
“We
are going through the same thing. My daughter is 6,” one reader from
Oregon wrote. “When she was just a little over 2, she started telling us
her penis had been cut off, and it really hurt.” Their family
doctor won’t really address the concerns, so she reached out to Jean for
help in finding experts and information. “I cannot express how
frightening it is to go through this without support,” the mother wrote.
“I am so afraid to make a mistake.”
A mother from Atlanta wrote
to say she can relate to Tyler’s story: “My daughter reminds me of this
little girl who wanted to be a boy. I am constantly reading up on
transgender, gender variant and gender non-conforming. She has not been
diagnosed, but I am in the process of finding out more. My husband and I
have been grappling with this for a while now.”
Or this simple,
desperate note from someone in Virginia: “My kid has been a ‘boy’ since
she was old enough to know, I want to say 5 or 6. We need to get him
hormonal help, and it is long overdue. I will drive or fly anywhere.” It
included a request for doctors’ names and phone numbers.
Every fifth e-mail seemed to come from someone who knows someone who is transgender.
“A transgender child just came into my kid’s sixth-grade class,” one parent reported.
Or,
“There was this child who used to play with my kids,” another parent
wrote. “I always suspected there was something going on there.” Years
later? Sure enough, the child is a transgendered adult.
There were
stories about transgender nieces, stepdaughters and co-workers. And I
heard from transgender adults who didn’t have people around to believe
them when they were little.
“I didn’t transition until my early
30s because of my Mormon family and because I thought I would never find
a partner and have a family,” wrote JackC6a. “But I was wrong about my
prospects for happiness. Though my family has been distant and cold, I
have my own family now that includes an awesome partner and child. Tyler
is a lucky kid to have such a supportive family.”
I heard
heart-wrenching stories from transgendered grown-ups who were beaten,
shunned, ridiculed and belittled every time as children they told the
adults around them how they felt.
You think this is something new? Check out this comment from Johnbh99:
“Fifty
years ago I had a job in a funeral home while attending university. My
partner and I picked up a body one day that appeared to be a man but
turned out to be a woman,” he wrote. “We got instructions from the next
of kin that all references to the deceased would use the male pronouns
and the deceased would be referred as Mr. in the newspaper. This person
was a respected member of the business community in a major southern
city.”
Even in the South in the 1960s, the transgendered were living in our communities.
This is what Tyler’s parents wanted when they asked me to tell their story: to spark discussion and educate people about the transgendered.
Jean
and Stephen received many supportive e-mails and phone calls. Folks who
know them but didn’t understand what they are going through now
understood.
“I was surprised at how nice some of them were,” Jean told me.
And how did Tyler feel about the story?
He was too busy playing with trucks to care what anyone thinks about him.
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